A Puke Saved is a Puke Earned...

Dear Mason,
My hand is not a waste receptacle. Please deposit your bodily excretions elsewhere. Thanks! You’re a doll.
Love, Mommy


Have you ever noticed that the days you look awesome (and by awesome I mean you change out of yoga pants, blow dry your hair and wear mascara all in the same day) you never see anyone you know at the store?
But the minute you step out of the house after a three day shower hiatus wearing slippers and zit cream, the store turns into a friggin high school reunion?
Oh. That’s never happened to me.
So, a couple of weeks after we brought the Beav home, the Meathead got sick. Like, cough so hard that he would vomit into a bowl sick. My mixing bowl. Cause I only have one. So every time I make cupcakes or brownies I’m thinking of puke. It’s a great diet.
ANYWAY.
The kid was finally feeling a lil bit better, so I took him with me to the store just to get him out of the house. We walked up to the cart area, had our traditional slap fight over who got to push and who had to sit in the seat and went into the store. As I was going through the automatic doors I hear my name being called.
Let me pause here. That is just fucked up. Don’t call out to me as I am going through an automatic door. It’s going to end awkwardly.
Do I wait to strike up a convo?
Yell through the door?
Keep walking ?
And what if I pause in the middle of the door way? The friggin door will shut on me, then you will feel bad. As you should. Ass.
Back to my story.
In this particular case, I continued through the door and waited for this friend. Mason and I are making small talk… when he starts to cough. Hard. I knew it was coming. Still, I hoped it would stop at a gag.
No.
No it didn’t.
The lil Meathead threw up a generous wad of mucus into my hand.
Just as my friend came through the door.
I wiped Mason’s face off with his shirt.
I’m a good mom like that.
My friend came over smiling. “Hey how ya been?!”
As he bent down to hug me.
I hugged back, my hand cupped full of pukey mucus behind his back.
Now, a smart person would have wiped the mucus mound on the unsuspecting friend’s back.
I’m a bad friend like that.
But I didn’t.
Have you ever tried to nonchalantly hide puke in your hand? In the neon lighting of a grocery store? I mean, everyone has hid puke in their purse, their shoe… or in desperate times, their pocket… but your hand?! Thinking back I must have looked like the “strong hand” guy from Scary Movie 2. “Make way for fanny!”
This friend must have thought I was coked out too. I wouldn’t make eye contact and was acting all shifty trying to get out of there.
Wanna know the worst part?? I didn’t even go wash my hand after. I wiped the rest on Masons shirt. AAAAAAAAAHahahahahahaha
I’m a bad mom like that.
Mason didn’t even say thank you.


*Photo by Becca Nuss Photography