When Mac Daddy and I first found out we were going to have a little meathead, one of the first things we got excited about was having an excuse to watch cartoons again. Mac Daddy says he was a fan of the manlier cartoons, like GI Joe and He-Man. I was a fan of both worlds… having a deep appreciation for My Little Ponies as well as Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Ok, honestly I was obsessed with TNMT… I kinda had this thing for Michael Angelo. (Hmmmm which one does Mac Daddy act most like… coincidence?)
***Just to give you an idea of my obsession: TNMT came on at 3:00... Which was also the time my big sister, Bjorn, got picked up from school. Big sisters are always ruining everything. My mom got so tired of hearing me crying over missing my boyfriend’s show that she arranged for me to go to a neighbors house everyday at 3:00 so I could watch. Yeah. ***
But I digress… Mason is finally at the age where he is able to watch cartoons. We don’t have cable but we do have a few DVDs with the more popular cartoons on them.
WOW.
Cartoons today suck.
Hard.
Like your grandma.
Enter “Bob the Builder.” Computer animated clay-mation. Really? I mean I would watch Gumby when I was little… if I had to. But you are telling me in 20 years we haven’t found a better medium than clay? And the fact that computers are now used to animate it is not only lazy but a bit oxymoron-ish. Kinda?
Bob’s one redeeming quality is all the nasty dialogue it has. Basically the animators are counting on the parents being out of the room while the kiddies are watching it… or they are counting on the parents to not be as perverted and immature as Adam and me…
A quote from Bob the Builder: “Lifty, your dumper is quacking.”
(And you know it’s a real quote cause if I had made it up I would have said, “Your dumper is leaking.” ).
Next up: Dora the Explora. Whatta whore. First of all, where the hell are this kid’s parents? She’s tramping it up all over the hillside, running around with a monkey that wears boots. She is always wearing a backpack and never checks in with any kind of adult figure. Soooo one could reason my kid is watching a runaway that stole a cross dressing monkey from the zoo. Oh but wait, it’s all ok ‘cause Dora speaks broken English mixed with Spanish. Best role model ever since a giant purple dinosaur that hides in a preschool til all the grownups are gone.
Along the same lines: Diego. Also speaks spliced languages. Awesome. There is a difference between Diego and Dora in that Diego’s parents are present… if by present you mean in another country taking care of animals instead of their kids. But it’s cool ’cause he has a lil pimp pad set up… in a tree house. (K, that part is actually really cool.) So, this kid runs around with a JAGUAR saving animals. Cause a jaguar wouldn’t totally tank out on a hurt baby animal. And can we discuss the fact that he carries a camera around to zoom in and out on different animals. Which is really just one step away from climbing a tree to watch your neighbor change. And he’s already got the tree sooo…
I’m just saying, if Meathead grows up to be all voyeuristic, I’m sueing.
Yo Gabba Gabba. Oh Jesus, Yo Gabba Gabba. Mason isn’t allowed to watch this one. Cause it scares the shit out of me. A bunch of scary ass monsters running around singing HORRIBLE songs.
Horrible.
Songs.
The show also has a mini beat boxing lesson, which would be a lot cooler if it wasn’t taught by a retarded guy. I mean reTARDed. He is huge too… like use the wide lense and take a step back, huge. Not that I have anything against fat people… sometimes I am one. Then there is the host. The host is the best and worst part. It’s like the creators said, “Lets get an Ethipoian and dress him in neon orange spandex, give him a flat top and crazy glasses. I think kids will really relate to that. And we can pay him in goats and sacks of rice.”
I guess my biggest problem with cartoons today is the fact that they like to pretend to be all moral and wholesome. Eighties cartoons were dirty but they didn’t try to mask it. Little blue people lived in ‘shrooms, where one blonde airhead was passed around like Thanksgiving dinner. An eight year old girl lived with her completely incompetent vambot uncle while they tried to take down a heavy smoker who liked to stroke his pussy. And oh dear God, The Elephant Show. Who can forget the Elephant Show. (Skiddamarink-a-dink-a-dink skiddamarinky-doo, I loooooove YOOOOOOUUUUU!) A prime example of what happens when you smoke a bowl and have a camcorder handy.
So, let us recap:
Cartoons suck.
So does your grandma…
Elephant Show rocked.
The End.
