Theres never Sand at playgrounds anymore...

Dear Mason- While at the park, please refrain from calling the crows ‘Jackass’s’” Thanks! You’re a doll, Love Mommy

The park. The bane of many moms existence. The park is a double edged sword. On the one hand you have to spend a few hours out in fresh air. Gag. On the other hand your child exhuasts themselves leading to a long nap which equals more face book time. Mason is something of a genius when it comes to playground slides so we frequent parks on a daily basis. Here’s a handy dandy guide for weeding out undesirable conversation…

The Hippie Mom- This mom is content in her stretchy gaucho pants and long sleeve *organic* shirts. Even when it is a bajillion degrees out... a long sleeve shirt. I ask you! The only make-up she wears is *organic* bees wax lip balm. Her tote bag/canvas sling bag thingy is stocked to the nines with *organic* crackers, *organic* carrots, *organic* water (I don't know if there is such a thing... I’m sure there is. If not I will be loaded selling organic water to granola whores), cloth diapers and , possibly, a tampon or two. *Organic* of course.

Shit.

Her kids name is probably Organic.

Or Noah.

Or Jude.

Or Sage.

You will be playing close attention to the child’s name, so as to determine the sex. This is an amateur mistake. Any seasoned playground/playroom mom knows names hold no sexual boundaries in the *organic* home. Sorry, but there really is no short cut to finding out if it's a boy or girl. Either way, the child will most likely be wearing pants of earth tone persuasion, a shirt that appears a bit too small, a little bit of dirt and loooooong locks which are faintly scented with, (anyone? anyone?) *organic* baby shampoo. And Patchouli.
The Hippie Mom is always nice enough. She will offer your child her *organic* treats, lecture you on the benefits of breast feeding (a quick warning... as soon as breast feeding is mentioned, move the conversation along... unless you want a mental picture of how this lady still breast feeds her 7 year old. Cause it's liquid gold! And *organic*). Basically, Hippie Mom is in the top three of the playground pyramid. As long as you don't mind body odor.

The Career Mom- Not to be confused with The Working Mom. The Career Mom approaches her duties as any professional would. "A"-game as long as anyone is looking. Career Mom is usually seen wearing khaki pants, a short sleeve pastel top, and sensible shoes. Her hair usually slicked neatly back into a sleek pony tail, or half up in a barrette. Her kids are playing nicely. AKA Boringly. Any attempts at conversation will be directed towards her home school curriculum. She smells of

The Working Mom- If you see a working mom at the park it must be a weekend. And not tax season. Working Moms blend in easily enough. The way to spot these freaks of nature? Pay attention when they speak to their children. Look for the ten second delay when it comes time to name her children. This is just nature getting back at her. Women belong in the kitchen making delicious turkey dinners, not in careers. That’s why women’s feet are smaller than men’s… so we can stand in front of the sink.

Too-Cool-For-School Mom- You don't need to worry about getting caught in a death trap convo with this Mom. She's the one sitting on the bench behind huge sunglasses texting about how annoying the park is. Her kid is probably pulling on her strategically ripped jeans while she smoothly ignores the pleas to push him/her on the swing, catch him/her on the slide etc. The child will eventually seek out the Sandee Mom (see below). When this happens you have one of two options. a) Take pity on the poor designer clad child and play. Or, do what I do and start texting immediately. Kids crave consistency.

The Sandee Mom- Obviously a badass. Is that her three year old trying to start a rock band by the swing set? You bet your sweet ass it is. You can tell right away that her husband is hot. He's not there... but you can just tell. She's obviously part Mexican 'cause she fit herself, both her kids and car seats in a Jetta. Skill. The best thing about the Sandee Mom is her extensive Harry Potter knowledge which will keep you amazed and entertained for hours on end. VIVA.

Recap?

The park sucks...

Like your grandma...






Coming soon… Macbeth Saga Part II…