Poor lil guy... never saw it coming...

So have you guys seen this thing about how the first bite you take of a chocolate Easter rabbit is a clue to your deeper psyche? Like, if you bite the ear you’re aggressive, the leg you’re passive, the neck you’re a vampire. You know, true stuff. Would someone like to tell me what it means when your 3 year old eats the ass end first? Cause I want to know.

Perhaps its time for Macdaddy to stop running around the house yelling, “I can’t wait for Easter so I can put it in your keister!”

P.S. He totally didn’t.

Mason is a king... even his toy bags are Royal.

Dear Mason-
I regret to inform you that you will not be able to take your toys to daycare... like that. Feel free to transfer your toys OUT of the Crown Royal Bag at your convenience... then we will talk. Thanks! You're a doll... Love Mommy

Did you know they sell condoms at Costco? Cause they do. Right in between the vagisil and pregnancy tests.

You think I'm kidding but I'm not.

If I was kidding I would have organized it: vagisil, pregnancy tests, THEN condoms.

I'm sure a man set it up… put the penis item between two vagina items.

Ptch.

That’s profiling.

Apparently not all Costcos rival their local planned parenthood. Just the ones that are in farm towns.

(read: lots of migrant workers.)

(And before you go there, I did NOT say Mexicans. You thought of that yourself. You racist.)

So anyway, Adam recently found out he is part Jew so has decided to be a bit more frugal.

I can say that ‘cause I'm married to one.

So we started buying condoms at Costco.

Trash.

The coolest thing about buying prophylactics in bulk would be that they come in a commemorative tin. So you can start a collection.

If sex isn’t a big enough motivator to buy more condoms.

So as with anything shiny and new, and being part ferret, Meathead asks if he can have the tin… and being the generous parents we are, we oblige.

Add that to the fact that Adam and I were on a Crown Royal diet for much of the time we were first dating and we have ourselves quite the menagerie of toy organizing tools.

Anything with a motor goes into a Crown Royal bag. Anything with a heart beat or used to create works of art goes into a Durex box.

I'm thinking of changing this set up though…

Cause honestly? I don’t think it is at all responsible to have motorized vehicles in alcohol bags. I am the product of 90’s after school specials.

Though it could be just as reckless to put the plastic animals in the Royal bags AWAY from the condom tin… cause those rabbits? SLUTS!

What do you guys think?

Shall I add this to the list of future discussions Mason will have with his therapist in which she will blame the mother?

*Side note: How much do you love that there is a black stallion and a beaver in the above pic? That kids makes life soooo easy.

Weiners, Jergens and Tissues... oh my.

Dear Mason- As proud as I am of you for sharing, your weiner does not eat oatmeal. No, not even blueberry oatmeal. I know… I know… wieners are weird. Mommy totally agrees. Keep it on your spoon. Thanks! You’re a doll… Love Mommy.


There are a few days every parents dread from the first moment that little pink line appears on that $25 dollar piece of fated plastic. Some that top the list? First day at school… getting their license… their wedding day. But for most parents, the number one spot is usually held by, “Where do babies come from?”

THE talk.

Have I mentioned it’s my life ambition to become a sex therapist?

Cause it is. I am beyond fascinated with our most primal of instincts and have been since a very young age. My parents never had THE talk with me. I just knew what happened. (Can a 6th sense be sexual?) I remember driving in the car with my mom and asking her why my cousin was having a baby.

Her reaction?

“Aw shit. (Nice opening, Mom) Well you see daughter- who- is- not –even- in- kindergarten- yet, when a maaaaaaaaaaan loves a whoa-man.”

I remember distinctly rolling my eyes and saying, “Not THAT… I mean because she isn’t married.”

Mom: “Oh. I don’t know. How do you know the other stuff?”

Me: ???? Were there people who DIDN’T know? I think I just ignored her. Which served her right for asking such a dumb question.

So when Macdaddy and I found out we were having a little meathead I called dibs on THE talk. Adam had no problem with that. Although I may have to have Adam in the room. Hell, I may have to have Adam video tape it.

I know most guys have a special bond with their units.

Im smart like that.

However, I was under the impression that this bond happens sometime in their junior high years.

Im dumb like that.

Apparently it is born into males, much like the reflex to high five after a particularly nasty fart, or …

No… that’s it… fart high fives.

Moving on… Mason has always preferred to be nakee. He used to just scream when it was time to get dressed. Then he graduated to removing his clothes while I was in the shower and running outside into the neighborhood. Now he doesn’t wait for me to be in the shower. The kid removes every article of clothing. No biggie, right?

Wrong.

He has also start laying on his bed and screaming, “Go mommy! GO!” If I enter the room.

Egads.

Obviously we are simply ignoring this at the moment… cause he’s two. (And if Adam said anything against it, he would be the worlds biggest hypocrite). So I am going to convince Adam that THE TALK is different than the Wanky Talk.

Cause it totally is.

Totally?

Totally.

AND. Whatthe hell am I suppose to say when I think wieners are ridiculous in the first place? I don’t know how you guys can even walk. I had trouble as it was when fanny packs were in style.